So he finally asked me out on a date. He would pick me up and we would have our first date.
It’s Saturday evening, and as I’m getting dressed, doing my makeup, I began to feel nervous. What.is.this.feelinggg? I sent this text to my friend. He assured me, oh just nerves – you’ll be fine.
Nerves? Why was I nervous? I’ve gone on countless dates with men, what was this the 8th grade dance? I continued getting dressed, applying my makeup and trying to calm myself. Finally, I was ready for the date. My cell phone rang – it was him. He said that he was waiting for me out front. I hung up the phone, grabbed my purse and keys and was ready to head out the door.
I opened my front door and walked down the steps. As he stepped out of the car, he smiled and said, “Hey you!” I smiled back, but I was trying to stay cool with my best poker face. I said, heyyyy…(that’s all I could muster at the time). I was nervous, felt sweaty, hot and cold at the same time (It was winter, so you could just imagine). What in the world was happening to me? Everything seemed like it was in slow motion. I kid you not! He walked up to me and pulled me in for thee most sensuous, tightest hug I have ever experienced. I couldn’t stop myself from inhaling more than once the scent of his cologne. He smelled so good!
And of course, that same feeling of familiarity was back!! This time, it was like I was remembering his hug. As if I knew that embrace…it felt familiar to me somehow. After we disconnected, I realized that he was laughing. What’s so funny, I asked. He answered, “You’re heart – I can feel it beating. I nudged him in the arm, while he opened the car door for me to get in. But as he walked around to his side, I felt so embarrassed. He could he feel – against my winter coat and scarf, how fast my heart was beating? And why did he find that funny?
At 6 am, my cell phone began to vibrate. It was him – calling me, from his work landline phone. Of course, he wanted to know what I was talking about. So, I told him plainly: I think I may know where I know you from. The answer is in our tattoos. (As an aside, I know what you’re thinking. What in thee hell is she talking about Trust me, as soon as the words left my mouth – I realized I didn’t know what I was trying to say either. Okay, moving along).
To my relief, he was actually quite curious to hear my explanation. I began with my interpretation of why he felt very familiar to me. Like a distant memory. I told him, it must be linked to the tattoos. Don’t think I’m crazy with what I’m about to tell you, but… maybe, just maybe, we both were lovers or maybe even husband and wife – in ancient Egypt. Have you googled your name and saw the face of the ancient Egyptian god…yall are twins! Maybe, just maybe, we are reincarnated souls. He replied after laughing a bit, I don’t think you’re crazy, that could actually be a possibility.
After hearing those words, I felt utter relief. Here it was, 6 o’clock in the morning, and I’m talking about reincarnation, past lives and the likes. But what was much more interesting, here he was sitting on his work phone – talking about this TO ME! I asked once more just to give him an out if he felt weird out trying to continue on in this conversation: do you think I’m weird or something to feel this way? (Because I did!) He answered back – absolutely not. I was quiet, really – I was just in disbelief that I just shared this with anyone but myself. Like – girl…why would you do that?
After what I thought was an awkward silence, he said needed to both get off the phone, so we could start our day. I agreed because if he let me, I would have still continued that conversation. But as I was saying goodbye, he quickly interrupted me saying, I’d like to take you out Saturday night.
What do you mean, who are you? He had asked. I stared back at him with thee most serious expression that I could muster. I was so very serious. His energy, his voice, his laugh, everything seemed so familiar. He replied, I’m me…what do you mean? Call me weird, but I remember looking at him and the question, you don’t remember? popped into my mind. By this time, I knew I had lost it. I had to let the cat out of the bag. I told him, what was going on in my mind. How it feels as if we have previously met and that I could not understand why I felt this way. Surprisingly, he actually understood! He let me know that he felt that familiarity too. But why was he so cool about it? Did it not cause him to question his sanity? I didn’t believe him. I thought, maybe he was just agreeing with me – to gain some cool points lol. We talked some more before finally ending the video call for the night. My mind was reeling with all sorts of questions. I remember just laying in bed thinking to myself, what just happened? Who was this dude?! Eventually, I fell asleep.
I remember waking up to use the bathroom. Once I came back, though, I had a strong urge to do a google search. It was still pretty dark out – I turned to look at the clock.
There I was, 3 o’clock in the morning, with my laptop on my bed – googling his name. Yep, I did that! Some articles popped up about him (one about a scholarship and the other with his work), and of course, Facebook. As nosy as I am – I was surprised I didn’t Facebook snoop. Instead, I typed in the meaning of his name. BAM!! Yes, of course now this was making some sense! Long story short, he has the same name (different spelling – one letter changed – of another ancient Egyptian god). I was definitely familiar with this Egyptian god, in particular. This was getting good. It only became a little eerie, when I saw a photo of the ancient Egyptian god. My goodness it was like they were identical twins! I couldn’t believe what the heck I was seeing! I dug in deeper, feeling like Inspector Gadget. I wouldn’t stop until, I could make sense of this.
I wanted to know if there was any correlation between his name and the tattoo that stood out to me, my name and my tattoo. Grabbing a pen and paper, I drew four columns – His Name/His Tattoo, My Name/My Tattoo. I was on to something – I felt it. What that something was, I didn’t know at that time.
My name means love. So when I combined their meanings, I came up with two possible combinations: Love of God/God’s Hidden Love. I was shocked and amazed all at the same time. Why was I led to this? This was not like me. Never before, have I ever felt a need to search the meaning of a guy’s name! What was I doing?
By the time I finished – it was around four something. I set my alarm for five thirty. I wanted to share with him what I discovered. The only problem was, how do you tell someone you just met – you did ALL of this? My mind was sending me the STOP alert – red flashing lights: He could use this and take advantage of the fact that you like him – a lot. I didn’t want him to know, how much I was feeling him. But with anything in life, I took a chance – a risk that could go either way.
At 5:30 in the morning I sent him the text – The answer is in our names/tattoos.
His response, I don’t think so? I dropped it. I just thought, maybe I was confusing him for someone else. It happens. Our text conversation continued into the early evening. He had asked me if we could video chat – just to be sure I wasn’t a catfish. I didn’t see a problem with this. So I told him, I’d text him after I finished eating dinner. He agreed.
After I had my dinner, I was free and ready to Skype. I logged on, shot him a quick text I was free and then waited. Within a few minutes, he finally appeared on the screen. Instantly that strange, weird feeling of knowing him resurfaced. This time, it was stronger, and much more nagging. Before he even had the chance to speak, I quickly blurted out, Yoooo…where have we met before? What I really wanted him to do was to list all the places, people, streets, cities, countries, schools he ever lived, attended or known. But that would come off a little too obsessive. I couldn’t show all my cards just yet lol.
He was leaning back in his chair, eyes focused straight on me. I knew he was reading me. I could tell by how quiet and focused he had been. He was doing the same thing I did to other men. Whenever I would meet with a guy for a date, I quietly sat back and read them. I listened to how they spoke, the meaning behind the words, their body language, even down to the words they used. However, I used this information to understand how to better manipulate them. Reel them in, and spit them out before they had the chance to hurt me. I knew right at that moment: he will be an entire problem!!
I was uncomfortable. I was being confronted with the reflection of how I maneuvered with men. I smiled and said hey you – just trying to play everything off like I was calm, cool and collected. Truthfully, I was a ball of nerves!! Like two cups of strong coffee nerves. Smiling, he asked if he could ask me a question. I said, sure go ahead. He asked me why was I so nervous?Why was I so nervous…perhaps because you’re thee most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on, you’re charming, intelligent, you’re the only guy that can give me a run for my moneyand to top it all off I feel like we have this other worldly connection? Instead, I replied, I don’t know what you’re talking about! I was being extra defensive. But he just smiled, leaned back into his seat, folded his arms and continued to stare at me.
This man saw straight through to my soul. It was as if he could see me! I felt it – deeply. So much so, I wanted to run… run fast and run far. I wasn’t ready for whatever this was, between myself and this man. Since he was leaning back and I could see some tattoos on his arm, I quickly changed the subject and asked him about them. While I was curious to know, honestly, I just wanted him to stop staring at me!
While, we continued to Skype; he shared with me the meaning behind his tattoos. One tattoo, stood out to me. I asked him, where did he have it done and why that one. He told me it was of an Egyptian god (I won’t share his tattoo details of the deity for privacy etc…). He asked me if I was familiar with the name of the god, despite my parents’ teachings about ancient Egypt, hieroglyphics, and other gods and goddesses. I felt a little embarrassed. I should have known better, but truth was truth, I never heard of this god prior to him sharing this with me that night. I, myself, have only one tattoo. It’s of the ankh (an ancient Egyptian symbol, meaning “life”). I have always felt drawn to ancient Egypt – almost obsessively. I was just happy to have met someone who shared that interest.
However, the more we talked about ancient Egypt – the more I felt that weird, distant feeling of knowing him. I jokingly brought the question to his attention. I asked once more: Haven’t we met before? To which he replied, Nope. I would definitely remember meeting you! But that nagging feeling just wouldn’t go away. By this time, it was irksome! I couldn’t place my finger on how I would have possibly known him except – maybe ancient Egypt had something to do with it? My logical mind quickly dismissed that idea. I knew I believed in past lives, but I never would have believed in that moment, it was possible for us. Hell, I felt like I wasn’t even in my right mind.
I thought I was making more of this than it needed to be. In my mind, this was all pretty simple: I was video chatting with a guy I was very much attracted to. Period. That’s all. But how can I feel this intense attraction to another so quickly? I was just out of a three-year relationship, with someone I thought I would certainly marry. I tossed it up to feeling neglected in the last few months of my past relationship. Now, that made perfect sense to me. Yep, I was just transferring these unresolved feelings of my ex, onto this new guy! As he kept sharing with me about his other tattoos, that familiar feeling kept creeping back. I began to wonder to myself: maybe – just maybe I’m asking this question all wrong? So I waited until he finished talking, and resumed his favorite position (leaning back, staring at me smiling). So, I became just as quiet and stared back at him. Silence.
As I sat there staring directly into his eyes, I knew the next question to ask:
So I messaged him. On a Saturday night. I remember feeling anxious waiting to see how he would respond. I saw that he had recently moved to my city, on military orders. I sent him a quick message welcoming him and hoping that he would enjoy his stay here. Something short and sweet that would open the door.
He replied a few minutes later, thanking me for the kind words. We messaged online throughout the evening. The next day, Sunday night, I offered my phone number because the long back and forth, when online dating, always frustrated me to no end. I wanted to get straight to the point – are you interestedin exchanging numbers? We exchanged numbers, and he sent a text right away. Give me an inch – and I’ll take a mile lol. So I took it further. I asked if he wanted to talk on the phone so we could talk in real time. To my surprise, he also agreed!
I enjoyed our conversation. We talked about everything under the sun: marriage, the future, gender roles, his children, religion, where I lived, where he was from (he received relocation orders from the military – to move to my city)and childhood memories. Oddly, we discovered, we both moved (I back to my hometown after my breakup and he on orders) around the same time. Overall, it was an easy, fun, free flowing conversation. I had to admit; I misjudged him. He had so much depth and knowledge. Very wise and non judgemental. The more we talked, the more attracted I became to him. I liked him a lot more than the other men I was casually dating. But this scared me. I had already placed him in the fun box and I didn’t want to let him out of this box. I didn’t want to get my hopes up just to become disappointed. I enjoyed being in control. Not being emotionally attached to anyone. I wasn’t ready for that kind of connection. But again, something kept pulling me back to him.
The following morning, he sent me a text, explaining that he enjoyed our conversation last night. I replied that afternoon; that I also felt the same. We continued to exchange texts throughout the day (something that went against my dating rule: don’t appear overly eager/excited). I wanted to play it cool – but something kept attracting me – wanting to find out more about this guy.
I eventually asked for a picture that afternoon while we were texting. To be fair, I sent one while at work as well – just in the bathroom (don’t judge me lol). When his picture came through, all I could do was just stare. His eyes looked eerily familiar. It was almost as if there was a distant memory I couldn’t pinpoint. I felt as if we had met before (other than yesterday online) but where, was my question? I searched my mind thinking of all the places and events where we could have met: Did we have a fling in college, maybe we chatted online before, or maybe as kids. But I kept dismissing these questions, all because he grew up in an entirely different city and state. However, I thought, well the military is very mobile, there’s a possibility we could have ran into each other. I really felt as if I remembered him.
I guess, I was thinking a little too long, because he sent me a text, “you still there?” I wondered for a few more minutes if I should ask him if we met before? Maybe he knew something I didn’t and could recall where.
So there I was – officially single. Living what I thought was my best life…(it wasn’t). I was so far removed from myemotions that I had consciously blocked out any thoughts about love, compassion, feelings and understanding. I had conditions and I didn’t care. It was all about what men could and would do for me. With minimum to no effort on my part. Side Note: ( How silly I was at the time. Looking back, I was so unbalanced and I realize now, how much my ego was at play here.) Back to the story. Truth be told – underneath it all, I wanted what my relationship hadn’t given me. Unconditional love. Deep down inside, I was still seeking and searching for what I thought to be the perfect love. The One. This was very confusing to me. I didn’t understand why My mind was saying one thing, while my heart wanted to feel another.
I was on every dating site imaginable – Plenty of Fish (POF), OkCupid, and my ultimate favorite: Tinder. Let me tell yall – I went on so many dates that, eventually, I began to feel burnt out. I found myself frustrated that I was unable to meet someone with whom I had a deep meaningful connection. Ultimately, I began to feel like I was missing something.
One Saturday evening, I found myself, alone. I didn’t have any dates lined up (which was rare for me at the time). So I decided to just enjoy a night to myself. I had some wine and had turned on a movie. However, I still felt the need to scroll through the dating apps. I was using POF at the time, when I came across HIM. His profile picture was at the bottom of the screen, under the “recommended” profiles. Immediately, I clicked onto his page. I didn’t even scroll through the his other pictures he had. I went headed straight to see his details. He was a year younger than myself (at the time I was 31 years old, he was 30). No big deal right? Wrong! I had so many dating “standards”:
Must be seven to ten years older than me. (This was a huge one)
Must be ready for a relationship. (Oh, but I thought I wasn’t looking for one lol)
Must be willing to be married within one year of dating. (Lorda’ mercy!)
Had to show interest by calling, texting and asking me out – first. (Face Palm)
I was so deep into my silly dating conditions that I refused to deviate from what I wanted. Any man that was not willing to abide by MY standards, couldn’t possibly be for me. I remember thinking to myself, this guy will have to go in the “only fun” category because he doesn’t meet my requirements. After-all, he was thirty years old, in the military, and very attractive. I just knew he wasn’t seeking anything serious. I made a lot of silly assumptions based on MY EGO. However, I was still curious. I wanted to know more about this person. So I messaged him.
It all began a week after Thanksgiving. I was just coming out of a three year relationship (that I didn’t want to end). I was hurt and angry but most of all…slightly confused. My ex and I were living in a town home in upstate New York. He’s active duty army, so when he asked me to move in with him…I did. To shorten a very long story, basically, he wanted to break up with me. Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand why or how this was happening. However, somewhere deep, deep, deep inside of me – I felt relief. Relief that it was all over (the yelling, fights and eventual “roommate” situation).
Towards the end of my relationship, I happened to stumble upon a YouTube channel that encouraged women to be confident, self assured, and to no longer deal with men who could not provide a luxury lifestyle or a lifestyle where the woman does not have to work. This particular woman was married with children, and had carved a pretty nice lifestyle for herself. She was also spiritual and into many esoteric and metaphysical ideologies. Instantly, I resonated with her and wanted to hop on board this train to luxury living. So I did.
I began working out, changed my outfits from leggings and sneakers – to floral dresses and high, high heels. I binged watched YouTube videos on makeup, wigs, and eyelashes. I obsessively watched videos on how to think like a high maintenance woman. Slowly, but surely I began to believe, I was what I wished to be: A very attractive, high quality, high maintenance woman. I firmly believed this.
I was finally happy with my transformation. My ex at the time, saw the transformation but never commented on my weight loss or fashion. Call me selfish, but I did really want him to. Instead, he once said, “I feel like I don’t need to compliment you.” Of course, you can imagine, how I felt at the time. But, I kept repeating to myself. That’s okay, because I know I look amazing! And I did.
So when we finally made the breakup official – I was very much excited to test out my new looks with men. I hit the ground running. The quality of men I began receiving dates from was the total opposite of the men I have ever dated. Corporate men, business men who fully paid for whatever I wanted or needed. For the first time in my life – I was happy dating. No stress, no worries about if someone would call or text back. None of that. I emotionally detached from myself and from the men I dated. I didn’t care who wanted love. In my mind, love costs. I was doing me, living stress free. Nothing could stop me…