Tag Archives: relationship

Part 1 – The Breakup

It all began a week after Thanksgiving. I was just coming out of a three year relationship (that I didn’t want to end). I was hurt and angry but most of all…slightly confused. My ex and I were living in a town home in upstate New York. He’s active duty army, so when he asked me to move in with him…I did. To shorten a very long story, basically, he wanted to break up with me. Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand why or how this was happening. However, somewhere deep, deep, deep inside of me – I felt relief. Relief that it was all over (the yelling, fights and eventual “roommate” situation).

Towards the end of my relationship, I happened to stumble upon a YouTube channel that encouraged women to be confident, self assured, and to no longer deal with men who could not provide a luxury lifestyle or a lifestyle where the woman does not have to work. This particular woman was married with children, and had carved a pretty nice lifestyle for herself. She was also spiritual and into many esoteric and metaphysical ideologies. Instantly, I resonated with her and wanted to hop on board this train to luxury living. So I did.

I began working out, changed my outfits from leggings and sneakers – to floral dresses and high, high heels. I binged watched YouTube videos on makeup, wigs, and eyelashes. I obsessively watched videos on how to think like a high maintenance woman. Slowly, but surely I began to believe, I was what I wished to be: A very attractive, high quality, high maintenance woman. I firmly believed this.

I was finally happy with my transformation. My ex at the time, saw the transformation but never commented on my weight loss or fashion. Call me selfish, but I did really want him to. Instead, he once said, “I feel like I don’t need to compliment you.” Of course, you can imagine, how I felt at the time. But, I kept repeating to myself. That’s okay, because I know I look amazing! And I did.

So when we finally made the breakup official – I was very much excited to test out my new looks with men. I hit the ground running. The quality of men I began receiving dates from was the total opposite of the men I have ever dated. Corporate men, business men who fully paid for whatever I wanted or needed. For the first time in my life – I was happy dating. No stress, no worries about if someone would call or text back. None of that. I emotionally detached from myself and from the men I dated. I didn’t care who wanted love. In my mind, love costs. I was doing me, living stress free. Nothing could stop me…

Or so I thought.